Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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