i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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