just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
