Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
