If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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