Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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