he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
