Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
