i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
