Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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