I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
