Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
