i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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