and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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