So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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