I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
