Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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