A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
