yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
