you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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