a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
