you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
FUCK WHALES
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
why is half of my head shaved?
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