I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
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I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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