Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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