Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
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he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
did i just pee glitter
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