What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
