At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
