9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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