I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i've created a new STD.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
