I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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