there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
