the condom got lost in my hair
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
