I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
