she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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