I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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