this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
drinking out of a sandbucket again
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
