fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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