i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize