I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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