Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
