Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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