best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
