i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
