I met the friendliest cop last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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