nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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