As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
