I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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