my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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