after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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