I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
