So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
