just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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