Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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