drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
it's like iHOP with fire
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
