Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think my fart just growled at me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
