shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
