I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
