I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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