I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
