I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
