also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
