theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
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swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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